Schmidt the Schmuck

"I'm going to kill Wolfgang Hansberger." My girlfriend cast me a sidelong glance before rolling her eyes, but my expression remained stoic. "That's right, Pen. You heard me. I am going to murder him."

"Oh quit it, Aaron," Penelope scoffed as she scribbled away in her math notebook. "You always say crap like this. Firstly, it never amounts to anything and secondly, it just irritates me, so quit. Do your English homework. You'll never get into college if you don't."

"Oh, screw my English homework. Listen to me for a minute, will you?" I turned sideways in my chair, my paper on Frankenstein forgotten, and I kicked Penelope's foot to get her to look at me. She sighed angrily before tossing her pencil onto her notebook.

"What don't you understand about homework?" she asked, just as irritated as I was. She turned her body in the direction of her eyes and looked me squarely in the face. "We have to get this work done for tomorrow. You bitch about Wolf every day. Can't you take a break for once? I mean fuck, why can't you two just dump some testosterone and grow up?"

"Because he's evil," I said under my breath. This only caused Penelope to huff again, but I protested. "No, seriously, Pen! You've seen how that dick treats me! He shoves me into the wall for no reason! He and his buddies beat the shit out of me a year and a half ago and taped it for laugh! They're all bullies and I'm going to kill the ringleader."

"Oh please," she sneered, turning away from me again. "Wolf didn't shove you into the wall – he asked you to move and you said you didn't have to do anything for him just because he was rich. You brought that on yourself."

"And the beating?"

"That was not a beating."

"Oh yeah? What was it, then?"

"Holy shit!" she practically screamed, turning to face me again. "Richard Price and Jeff Goldbloom lifted up your shirt and gave you a purple nurple while Wolf watched! That's all! You screamed like a little girl and then you cried, Aaron!"

"Well it fucking hurt!" I snapped back. "Have you ever had anyone do that to you?"

"You don't give purple nurples to girls," she replied, turning back to her work. "It turns into breast cancer."

"Oh whatever, Pen," I snarled, turning back to my work as well. "You always liked Hansberger better than me anyway. We've been dating for almost a year but whenever I need to vent about that asshole you always take his side. What the hell." There was a moment of silence before Penelope whispered something under her breath that was barely audible.

"I take his side because he acts like a man and you act like little bitch."

My head flew up from what I was writing, my eyes wide, and I turned to look at her. She was already staring at me.

"What?" I stammered.

"You heard me. You're such a pussy, Aaron. You're practically frail! When I first got together with you, you were smart and funny and had a different take on things. Now all you do is whine about how mean Wolf Hansberger is to you. It's pathetic. For Christ's sake, man up."

I stared at her in stony silence. I didn't know what to say. My own girlfriend thought I was a wimp, kowtowing to Hansberger's manliness because I couldn't possibly compete.
For a long time neither of us said anything. It felt like ten years stretched between us, the tension increasing slowly until I felt I would snap in two if someone were to touch me. Finally, I got up the nerve to say what I'd been thinking since I started our conversation.

"Fuck you, Penelope."

That's all I said.

We stared at each other for a while longer before she reacted. She grabbed her stuff, shoved it furiously into her bag, and said four parting words to me that I'll never forget:

"Fuck you too, Aaron."